Content warning: explicit discussion of rape, sexual violence
“My life has changed.”;
I think to myself now, I
should have known…
Unsuspecting, handsome, well
groomed with a disarming
vacancy in his eyes
Real, and yet too
good to be true I
don’t forget it — the way
he changed my life.
At the start it
felt warm, he
kissed me
He asked me how
I am,
if I liked the movie playing
on his TV
He gets me
out of my chair
He asks how to
do it, so I think that
he cares
In his arms, I’m scooped into
bed and next to him
all in a big whirlwind
"He’s real, ok,
good…"; I think
that’s quite nice and
I’ve done this not in
a while, but I’ve done
this before so it
seems like it’ll be
nice and
Then he undresses—
my skirt with the
energy of something slightly
frantic,
the twiddling around of
one’s fingers while twisting,
pulling to open
apart
A piece of candy—
I practically just
blink, and it’s happening
He couldn’t wait to
unravel, the
layers, of me and all my
tender,
by his hand
these drastic touches I’d felt
not once before and
thus, new sounds I’d never made
What he does, it’s
weird it’s kind of hot it
hurts
He likes it
It takes me by surprise
It's all happening so fast, and
he changed my life
Nerves, ligaments, bones,
two arms and legs,
my hands, hips, feet
do not move, in my liking and
in the absence of a wheelchair
“This is what you wanted, right?”
He touches me and
says that to me
I do want him, but
in wanting this, the it - it's already
happening - so, I
see no choice
I figure I like him, so I
figure I'll like it
I'm powerless, in
this bed and I’m
already here, I go with it
In these moments I was blind to
the feeling
He is so into me,
into it, I am too, perhaps
he is really into me?
Because with great force,
he shoves his fingers where
I can’t properly reach,
suddenly and again,
again, again
until I leak,
then I’m mortified
No, fuck, oh my god, fuck, I’m so sorry...
reverberates throughout my brain
Of course I didn’t mean to.
I hate myself for it
He softly exclaims in
disgust at the scene, as I lay
with a wet rag he wipes
himself off unwittingly in
the bathroom
Now as I am ashamed,
“Oh, I don’t want him any less,” I thought
Defenseless—
I don’t question it, nor him
He changed my life
I am food now, I
think I’m happy I thought that
he wants me, for me
He has his eye on me he
half smiles and then
he tenderizes my
face, a smack right across.
Defenseless, I’d thought
“Oh, but it was light; it was soft,”
Stunned, but, I don’t question
He consumes me he
takes me
all apart, he flips
me over,
on the side of his bed
He enters, and
mounts himself in me
I’m overwhelmed yet I don’t
question, I feel like I
like him
He exits, skips
around to spread open my
mouth as he pours himself,
right into me
I figure I must swallow, as to
not disrespect
It was in this
moment,
that moment, where I
didn’t quite get what
happened yet but for
a second, it was
weird…it had felt
kind of off
He’s then in the bathroom
Sounds of water,
shhh, splish--running, washing up again
Paper towels tearing,
tossed
I lay, silent for a while
His kitten trots around, slowly
approaches the edge of the bed
She faces up, shares an
almost knowing sorta’ look with me
But, I don't as yet know, what
she may
Him, I swallow… gulp
Then he soon enough
checked his phone and
was called into work suddenly
Hours ago he’d told me I
could spend the day
My gut sank yet how
could I question?
Disposable again,
I think I knew subconsciously
After I’m scooped up and
sat back into the chair,
I actually figured to ask if he
won’t ghost me
He said he “wouldn’t make like Casper”.
He kissed me goodbye he
changed my life and I went
downstairs by myself
He didn't take me and
I somehow managed
He blocks me and disappears
on everything
Into thin air I never
hear from him or
see him again
I come home,
feeling a sort of frenzied,
ignorant, temporary excitement about
“having sex” with this man
In my mind, I think I'll
see him again
And, for less than 24 hours,
I think
nothing is wrong
In the bathroom,
I go pee, and change and
am disrobed to see the
stains of what he did to me
Confused, my father looks at me
and I don't know what to say
I’d played it off, just laughed
I finally wasn't alone that day so
I think, I'm happy
I think, everything's okay
The day after, I
feel an instinct to go
to the clinic
You know, to be on
the safe side
I realize that
he is gone,
and that I don't know a
thing about him
I'd tested for everything
It was all negative
Around all these people,
I sat quietly, just left to
my thoughts
Right when, finally I realize and
it knocked me
off my feet
It threw me it
had me reeling and
it made me queasy…
It hit me in my chest,
my stomach, in
my gut
A pang of pain, within
my soul
In silence I panicked
I realized
it happened,
He changed my life.
“This lonely girl is finally not alone”,
is what I had truly thought in
seeing him
I fear I
wasn’t thinking enough I’d
blocked him at first—I did, I
tried so much
You've no idea
Somehow, he was able to
find me twice
And to not be lonely,
I in good faith, run toward
him, who seeks me, my
love the warmth in my flesh
I was hurting
I didn’t stand a chance
And he changed my life
For weeks, days, and months going
on years, I cry
Still, I do
The memories are
eternal for me
Him, him, him!
As if he is everything
As if he’s better than me
As if I’m lesser than him
For him to want to
just, use me like that
Am I crazy?
Am I bugging?
If I am, then why
did he disappear?
How possibly did he
know–to destroy
any chance, possibility I
would even have
of concrete evidence?
Must have he seen me
on that wretched
app, where it isn’t
possible to even
screenshot anything?
I was smart, so
lucky, to get PEP
Must I have only
realized so stupidly
late, to where I could
no longer have what
I need to successfully
do a kit?
Now, this new life to
face, my psyche unrecognizable
I think of people
I think of
life
much differently now
He hurt me more than
I thought ever was possible
Why couldn’t he just
try…?
Why couldn't he
try, to genuinely treat me like
I’m human?
Why didn’t he
talk to me?
Truly talk to me?
Nothing but a
toy for him,
All his morals put up
and aside
Why couldn’t he just
be gentle?
Why even portray himself as
safe, as normal? Why lie?
How could he do this to me?
The months after were
grueling and long
I felt heavy with every
breath I’d take
and at everywhere I went
Even if I were smiling
The only peace I’d felt was
while in Milan, for 3 days
far far away
Singing, my comfort
Something to cope and
the mirror in
my room became
my confidant
It saw me sob, and as
I break—my reflection closely
held me,
whilst even in the most pain
I’d still felt no choice but to
push through
this, for my life
What if he loved me?
Saved me?
What if he
never left me?
Not him, but
the others?
Why couldn’t he,
or he or he
or he or
or he or he
or he
or he or he
or he just
not leave?
And or confuse
me?
Hurt me?
Why me?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I just
nothing?
Am I so bad?
And you,
you,
are you happy, are
you proud?
You get what you wanted?
Did you need it?
Did you have to do it?
Why couldn’t you do right by me?
Why change me?
Why change my life?
Why was it me?
Why me?
Why?
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have put
myself in these circumstances?
I have never been the same.
I hate you
You changed everything
A.R.P
❤️❤️❤️
❤️❤️❤️